You Are Not a Bad Mom

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I hear it all the time. I also say it to myself during those moments when I am most likely holding myself up to some ridiculous, unrealistic standard, aka a mom guilt moment. Truth is, all of the mothers I know are hard on themselves. I’m not sure when the motherhood bar was repositioned so high you can barely pole vault over it, but it was, and we hold ourselves to it. Maybe it’s because our parenting is out there for the whole world to see, so we want to appear to be doing the best job possible. Maybe it’s because we live in an uber competitive society. Maybe it’s because there’s so much more literature on parenting that we have access to that applies pressure to how we raise our kids. Maybe it’s because we are doing so much more as mothers now, juggling home life, careers, relationships, social lives, and taking care of ourselves too (ha!) that we feel like we have to overcompensate for not being at home with our kids. Whatever the reason, I often feel like I am killing myself and have decided to live vicariously through Elsa and just LET IT GO.

So, I encourage all of you to do the same. Don’t sweat the small stuff…and remember:

You are not a bad mom if you don’t puree the baby’s food and feed them jarred baby food or pouches instead.

You are not a bad mom if this one time (okay, maybe a handful of times) they don’t eat organic.

You are not a bad mom if you formula feed.

You are not a bad mom if they go a night without a bath.

You are not a bad mom if you leave your baby in the pack n’ play with some toys in the morning so you can get a few extra minutes of sleep.

You are not a bad mom if you plop your toddler in front of the TV so you can get shit done (or sleep).

You are not a bad mom if plopping them in front of the TV turns into two hours.

You are not a bad mom if you just don’t feel like cooking and make them a PB&J sandwich.

You are not a bad mom if the Halloween costume wasn’t hand made.

You are not a bad mom if you work.

You are not a bad mom if you shut the bathroom door for some privacy… and lock it.

You are not a bad mom if you take time for yourself to go get a mani/pedi, work out, meet up with friends, or go sneak in a movie solo (mostly so you can sleep in peace.)

You are not a bad mom if you accidentally curse in front of the kids.

You are not a bad mom if you give them an iPad when you’re out at dinner so they allow you to eat a meal longer than 5 minutes that isn’t their scraps.

You are not a bad mom if you lose your temper every now and then.

You are not a bad mom if you cry in front of them.

You are not a bad mom if you never book a playdate.

You are not a bad mom if you don’t buy your second child any presents for the holidays because they are so young and will never know and have all of their older siblings toys to play with.

You are not a bad mom if you can’t make the school play/party/activity.

You are not a bad mom if you have to choose work sometimes.

You are not a bad mom if you say NO.

You are not a bad mom if sometimes you reminisce about the days before you were a mom.

You are not a bad mom. Full stop. So, don’t be so hard on yourself. Know that there will be moments that you shine, and moments when you suck. In their eyes, as long as we love them, we’re the best moms ever.

 

 

 

 

Working Mom Guilt

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The Struggle is REAL. This pretty much sums up #momlife. Especially those moms who juggle #worklife with motherhood. Now, let me make a disclaimer: I think moms who stay at home can have a harder job, but because I am not a SAHM, I can only speak for those working moms like myself who I know struggle with a lot of the same issues that I do.

First and foremost is mom guilt. It never goes away. I felt it when I couldn’t breastfeed my son, when I erased Paw Patrol from the DVR and he cried inconsolably, when the kids get shots at the doctor, and especially when I leave for work in the morning. Working mom guilt is some of the worst kind of mom guilt there is. We are split in two: Mom and Career. And we feel like we are doing both half assed. I feel like I’m a shitty mom and shitty employee, although the opposite is true. We also cannot be both or do both at the same time, so we often have to choose… and asking a mother to choose anything over her children is like asking her to cut off her limbs. It’s heartbreaking and gut wrenching oftentimes, and we shed many, many tears.

The thing is, I enjoy working. It’s very much a part of who I am. I have put blood, sweat and tears into building my career, and am proud of the work I do – and I have fun doing it. So, I am lucky that I at least like what I do while away from my kids. I just don’t want to be doing it from 8:30AM-6:30PM every day, never getting to spend QT with my children. That’s just not the kind of mom I ever pictured being. It isn’t a criticism of other mothers—it’s just not what I wanted for my kids or myself. There are so many days I spend sitting at my desk thinking about what they are doing. Is H having fun in his art class? What did he make today? I want to paint with him. Are they at the playground? I wonder if E loves the swing? I wish I could push her in the swing. Did H learn new songs in music class today? Did E love music too? It should be me with them, not the nanny. It’s the inner struggle that I wrestle with daily – the guilt that someone else is raising them. Someone else is enjoying precious moments. Someone else is witnessing the milestones. Someone else gets more hugs and kisses and awake time with them. And I do appreciate our wonderful nanny for loving my kids and caring for them like I would, but she is not me, and therein lies the mom guilt.

I think to myself a lot that there has got to be another way, and I am figuring out what that means for my family right now. I think a lot of women are. More and more, I hear about moms who refuse to be chained to a desk anymore – who are working out more flexible, and, dare I say, more modern ways to juggle work and mom life. Work/ life balance is nearly impossible for most, but if you can find a way to take that into your own hands to figure out the balance that is right for you, then go for it. We need to tip the scale a bit more in one direction: less mom guilt and more flexibility, which will result in more happiness and fulfillment, however that looks for each of us personally.

Just a final word to all working mothers…You rock. You’re amazing and are doing your best. And you are doing right by your children. Working mothers set a great example for their kids, and sons of mothers who work are more likely to marry strong, independent women who will likely also work. So, your babies are lucky to have you as their Working Moms. I know it’s not easy. In fact, it’s really fucking hard, and it is likely killing you, but you’re killing it.

#MOMLIFE #WORKLIFE

The Juggling Act

Welcome! If you’re here, you’re likely a mother, a wife, holding down a job, and trying to also find time for a social life and personal time for yourself. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It can feel like you are at times, so I started this blog to share my thoughts on motherhood (it’s really hard), marriage (also a lot of work), working full time (there’s got to be another way), and life in general. The juggling act that is all of the above is really fucking hard. (Oh, yeah, I will probably curse a lot, too.) But it is. And we are supposed to aim to “have it all” and achieve “work/life balance,” leaving people under the impression that we have it all under control, wondering how the hell does she do it all? Well, personally, it’s at the expense of my sanity, personal time, and sometimes even my health. And I don’t do it all alone. I have some help, and couldn’t survive without it. So, I hope you find this blog a place where you can come for very raw, honest conversations about the good, the bad, and the ugly of being a Mama, a Wife, Work and Life. Post comments, ask questions, and let’s connect. After all, we are all in this together!